10 Ways to Annoy a New Mom

photo credit: David Locke via photopin cc

photo credit: David Locke

 

1. Call the baby by the wrong name. Guilty. I’ve done it. My mom friend handled it well, but talk about embarrassing.

2. Ask if she can cover up while nursing. Breastfeeding is one of the most patience depleting, emotional wrecking balls New Mom will ever face. If she covers up on her own, more power to her. If she whips her boob out to feed her new baby and you’re uncomfortable, dismiss yourself to the kitchen and start loading the dishwasher.

3. Show up unannounced. Call or text first and ask. Aside from being sleep-deprived, exhausted, and sore, there’s a good chance New Mom is also half naked because why put the boobs away if baby is just going to want them again in five minutes?

4. Tell her to sleep when the baby sleeps. Maybe it’s just me, but I hated this piece of advice. Sure, I’ll sleep once all 84 burp rags are washed and put away, my kitchen doesn’t look like a FEMA zone, and my legs don’t bare a not so vague resemblance to Bigfoot.

5. Offer to hold the baby so New Mom can clean her house or shower. You have it backwards. You should offer to do the dishes or make dinner or fold laundry while New Mom enjoys precious moments with her new bundle of joy. Continue reading

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10 No-Nonsense Tips for Parents

photo credit: Gabriel Figueiredo via photopin cc
photo credit: Gabriel Figueiredo

I’m not a worrisome mom. At least not about the small things. The biggest thing that keeps me up at night is worrying my kids won’t have anyone to eat lunch with at school.

My kids are 1 and 2 and I’m just a little bit crazy.

Due to my lack of concern, I’ve stopped offering my opinion on parenting things because most moms find me a bit too cut and dry for their taste. But no more! Here are ten no-nonsense, hyper-honest pieces of unwanted advice:

1. Your child will sleep through the night when they feel like it. There is nothing you can do to make it magically happen. You can try swaddling, unswaddling, loading them up on rice cereal, a bedtime routine, a dance routine, etc. You know what will actually work? Time and patience.

2. Babies will survive ten seconds without you so you can go pee. Or even seven minutes so you can take a quick shower. If they’re fed and clean and in a safe place, they’ll be fine. Go to the bathroom alone while you still can.

3. You don’t need a fancy changing table. A blanket works just fine as does a towel, shirt, or if you’re feeling lucky, nothing at all. Put ’em down on the floor and break a new speed record out of fear that any second they will poop all over your carpet. Continue reading

Sometimes I Forget to Breathe

photo credit: ((carola)) via photopin cc

photo credit: ((carola))

The other night I was immensely blessed when my in-laws offered to take both of my children overnight.

Know what that means?

I cleaned my house top to bottom, prepped all the meals for the week, did the monthly budget, organized the pantry, and learned Mandarin.

Or not.

In reality I obsessively checked Twitter (follow me!) and Facebook (like me!) and wrote some things. Then I did about four minutes of yoga.

I love yoga. It’s the only exercise I’ve ever done which I genuinely enjoyed. Maybe it’s because it’s not cardio. I hate cardio. The only time I want to be huffing and puffing and sweating like I do when I’m doing cardio is if I’m either being chased by a knife-wielding vulture-bear-whale hybrid, or if someone is offering me a lifetime supply of nachos.

But yoga… I can get behind that. The stretching, soothing music, and breathing is my kind of exercise.

It’s the breathing thing that struck me the other night. When I first began the routine (I know “routine” sounds impressive but remember I only did it for the length of a long commercial break) I began inhaling deeply as you’re supposed to do but…

They weren’t actual deep breaths. They were short. Shallow. Continue reading